Things [I Hope] All Drunk People Do

So I have this friend, Candy. She’s really awesome in most aspects of life but has some awkward social tendencies (outside of the norm drunkard behavior), so when she gets wasted, shit usually gets weird fast. The last few weekends, Candy has done some pretty radical things whilst moderately-intoxicated, which inspired me to write the list:

Seven Things I really hope All People Do When They’re Out-of-their-Minds Belligerent

  1. Screaming because they want to be heard. Not because they are overcompensating for the bar noise. Not because they think they are talking at a normal volume, but aren’t. I mean screaming because they have something really fascinating and novel to say about taxidermic animals and everyone at this bar needs to LISTEN, dammit!
  2. Compulsive lying for no good reason. Not like the typical, “of course I’m 21…” or “duh, I use birth control” irrelevant fibs, but more like, “Heyyyy, my name’s Lisa and I’m a 27-year-old, Orthodox Jewish pharmaceutical drug rep., what’s up!?”
  3. Thinking the dude they’re hitting on needs a background check…via cell phone pics. Because, in case you’re wondering, showing your wayyy-older-than-you, out-of-your league bar friend 20+ pictures of your cats IS the way into his pants. Thank you and you’re welcome.
  4. Stealing. Stealing when you’re sober is unlawful, sinful and just plain wrong. Stealing when you’re wasted is funny and stealth. Whether it is someone’s coat at a club, a cab ride on the way home, or your roommate’s pesto out of the jar when you think she is sleeping, drunk stealing is funny as shit [at the time] [and also afterword] [unless you have a really moral conscience].
  5. Anal beads. Wait, whaaat? Nevermind.
  6. Rapping. First of all, Candy cannot only NOT sing, but refuses (no matter what level of inebriation she has reached) to participate in karaoke. But that doesn’t seem to matter when a Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé + Jay-Z or Eazy-E song comes on ’cause girlfriend knows alllll of those words and is damn proud of it!
  7. Repeating random one-liners from “The O.C.” and then saying, “oh, don’t worry about it” when people don’t understand you. Because we all know the target market of the “The O.C.” was elitist intellectuals scoring 32+ on their A.C.T.’s?

Author’s note: As a pleasant reminder, I am (/Candy is) in no way encouraging any of the above-noted behavior! Candy happily endorses responsible drinking to of-age adults and definitely does not condone under-age drinking, drinking while driving, or getting out of control when engaging in alcoholic activities. Candy especially warns against eating your roommate’s pesto out of the jar, because it is an embarrassing and stomach-hurting action in which your roommate will not let you live down anytime soon. When in doubt, do as Smokey the Bear would say, “Only you can prevent wildfires!”