The post you never want to write

I didn’t know that I could experience so many ranges of emotion with such fervor in a 36 hour window. From my anxiety and excitement for the move (which couldn’t have gone smoother) to working a busy day capped off with the most elegant event of my young adult life, to paralyzing nervousness for my improv performance (which was surprisingly so much fun), to experiencing a very unexpected and unwelcome phone call just as I was settling down Sunday evening.

Losing someone you love is tough. Grieving is tough. There is no right or wrong way to mourn, but no matter how you slice it, it always feels like there’s more you could or should be doing. To honor. To cope. To remember.

My friend Kourtney was a very special person. Not special in the way all moms tell you their kid is, but an honest-to-God, very unique and wonderful human. She was honest and genuine, a truly beautiful soul with a flare for adventure and an incredible and authentic sense of style to match. I was privileged to spend what turned out to be her last birthday with her last summer; we spent the night dancing and club-hopping until the sun came up. That was the latest (earliest?) I’ve been out on the town since. She was a few years older than me, but her spirit was youthful: full of energy and a passion for living, which I guess is irony in the worst and most awful sense.

People say a lot of nice things about you after you’re gone. It’s really too bad because all of these things I would have loved to tell Kourtney in person. Not to directly quote Wicked here, but I really do think that knowing her made me a better person. I’m happy and lucky to have called her a friend and wish there was still time to spend with her.

This wasn’t the way I wanted to kick off my week, but glazing over this huge thing and posting a coffee shop review would feel entirely inappropriate today. Especially knowing how many of my friends are also living this somber state of confusion and hurt. So if you can, whether you knew Kourtney or not, try not to take anything for granted this week. Really relish the time you are here and spend it with people you love, doing things you love. Hug your loved ones a little closer and maybe a little too long, because you never know what’s going to happen or what kind of demons they are carrying with them. Rest in peace, my dear friend. The world is already dimmer in your absence.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s